Monday, September 29, 2008

Long term love

This week marks the 9th anniversary of my marriage to Mitch. So I thought I'd take a break from writing advice specific to relationship problems, and try to write something about what makes a long term relationship so wonderful. Too often those who give advice focus on the bad things that go on in relationships and how to get past them....today I'd like to focus on the good things about relationships and how wonderful they can be!

There are a lot of people out there who can't even fathom being with one person for a few years, let alone decades or a lifetime. I used to wonder myself if human beings were really cut out for long term monogamy. Over the years I've come to believe that some people really are not made for the monogamous lifestyle. However, there are those of us who are. And I gotta tell ya, I think it's a beautiful thing.

What's so beautiful about sharing your life with only one person? My husband and I have discussed this many times.

One of the first things that comes to mind is that we don't have to deal with the discomfort of learning all about a new person and teaching them about ourselves. When you date someone new, you really don't know anything about them and they don't know anything about you. That can be very exciting, but it can also be stressful and a lot of hard work. Mitch and I are far past that. It's actually surprising when we learn something new about one another, because we've been together long enough that we think we know everything there is to know.

There's a comfort in that, in knowing that this other person knows everything there is to know about you and they accept you and love you for everything that you are. I don't have to worry what Mitch will think when he learns that I was a nerd in school....he already knows. Mitch doesn't have to worry what I will think when I learn he has an extensive comic book collection....I already know. If we were to find ourselves suddenly single again I think it would stress both of us out just knowing we'd have to reveal ourselves to a whole new person and then worry about what their reaction would be.

I think this knowing each other is at the core of everything that is beautiful about long term relationships. I feel safe with Mitch because he knows everything about me. I know that a lot of people have trouble trusting another person enough to really put it all out there, but there is no better feeling than doing so and having that person embrace you completely. It's taken time, for both of us, to get to this point, to truly trust each other enough to reveal our complete selves....but we are now closer than ever and that feels so good.

Another side of knowing someone for this long, and letting yourself be truly known, is not having to figure out what makes them tick in the bedroom. Mitch is an expert at how to get me going and get me off, and I'm an expert at getting him going and getting him off. That doesn't mean there's never anything new, there certainly is. It does mean that when there's not enough time for long slow love making, we know how to get it done quick! It also means we know how to make it last all night.

The trust we have built over the years has helped our sexual relationship grow to something far more beautiful than either of us could have imagined. I think we both probably expected it to get boring. I mean, really, how exciting can having sex with the same person for 11 years be? But it is exciting. We trust each other enough to be able to ask for and try new things, things we might not be able to try with someone who we hadn't been with this long, who we didn't trust as much as we trust each other. Our sexual relationship is better now than it's ever been, after almost 11 years together.

It's nice to be so comfortable with someone that you can play games together, watch movies or TV together, solve puzzles together, or just have a quite dinner together and be comfortable. It's beautiful to know that this person loves me completely and that we don't have to hide anything from each other.

It feels like home.

I wish each and every one of you that very feeling.

I love you Mitch. Thank you for sharing in this life with me.

All my love,
Judi

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The selection process

A woman came into the forums I post in complaining that her boyfriend of 4 months didn't want sex nearly as much as she did, and any time she brought it up he got upset. In every other way he was perfect. She wanted to know what to do, whether she should just get over it and deal with less sex than she wanted because he was so great in every other way, whether he should see a doctor because his sex drive was so much lower than hers, whether she should leave him.

Here are the facts:

  • She wants sex more than he does
  • He doesn't want to discuss the fact that she wants sex more than he does
  • In every other way he's perfect
  • She does not want to live the rest of her life with less than enough sex.
So, what can she do?
  1. She can stay and learn to be happy about it
  2. She can stay and be miserable about it and probably make him miserable too
  3. She can cheat on him and risk losing the relationship altogether, never mind sacrificing her own values
  4. She can negotiate an open relationship, if he's game
  5. She can move on.
The simple fact is that she will not be getting as much sex as she wants from him, so she either has to be OK with that or find it somewhere else.

The reason most people date is to find out if the person they are dating is someone they can and want to spend a much longer period of time with. This woman in particular is trying to decide if her boyfriend is someone she wants to marry and spend the rest of her life with. Dating is part of our selection process. Even earlier in the selection process we decide, sometimes subconsciously, if we are at all interested in someone, interested enough to even go on a date with them. We are constantly evaluating people based on ever changing criteria to see if they are a good fit to share our lives with.

If, during the dating period, we find that there is something about a person that we do not want to live with for the rest of our lives, then we need to have the strength to admit that and end the relationship. Not doing so generally ends in an unhappy marriage and, sometimes, divorce.

This is just part of the selection process. To go through all of that and then say "Well, I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life, but I've already invested however many months, I don't want those to have been a waste, and I like all these other things about this person" negates the whole process. So then what if you stay and it never changes, and then you find you've "wasted" 10 years?

Let's face it, you can't change people. If he's happy with sex twice a month it's not likely that you'll coerce him into having it 8 times a month. So it's time to have the self respect to say "I'm not willing to sacrifice a satisfying sex life for these other wonderful things, I need to move on."

It's much easier to have a happy marriage if you use the selection process beforehand to find someone who fulfills you in every way that you feel is necessary. Otherwise what's the point?

Love Yourselves!
Judi

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Abusive relationships

On the relationship forums that I participate in we get a lot of people coming in wondering if they should end their abusive relationship. They give us tales of verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, certainly a lack of anything resembling loving behavior, and wonder if they can make their partner treat them better. They make excuses for why they can't leave.....they don't have any money, he/she would be destroyed, they don't want their kids to lose access to their "great father" or "great mother," he/she used to be great.....and most of all, "I still love him/her."

I'd like to discuss some of these excuses, as well as some others I've read, and why they are not a valid excuse for staying, especially if you have children.

  1. He/she used to be great - OK, that's fantastic, really, but all that proves is that you weren't stupid enough to fall in love with an asshole. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate him/her acting like an asshole now and for the rest of your life. You can't make him/her be the person you fell in love with, that's in the past. You can only deal with now.
  2. He/She would be destroyed/Our families would be devastated - Umm, no, they won't. Everyone will live. You parents will survive, his/her parents will survive, the kids will survive, you and he/she will survive. But consider this - if you stay in an abusive relationship and it turns physically abusive, how devastated will your parents and children be at your funeral?
  3. I have no money - If you are in physical danger, get out anyway, there are shelters you can go to. If you are not in physical danger, then start planning your escape. Start setting aside money, get your own bank account, start gathering copies of records, speak to an attorney if you are married and/or have shared assets. There's nothing wrong with taking your time in leaving. Just be careful....the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when they are planning their escape and just after they've left.
  4. I don't want my kids to lose their great dad/mom - OK, first of all, as long as their dad/mom is still alive, they don't have to lose them. Second, how great a parent are they really if they are treating their child's other parent like garbage? How great a parent are they if they treat their child's other parent like a punching bag?
Here I'd like to stop and make a special point about children. Children are born with absolutely no knowledge of what a marriage/romantic relationship is supposed to be like. They start learning very early. They learn from the adults in their home first, usually their parents. If dad abuses mom boys learn it's OK to abuse and girls learn it's OK to tolerate abuse. If mom abuses dad boys learn it's OK to tolerate abuse and girls learn it's OK to abuse.

Make no mistake, your children are watching you. They are little sponges and they absorb everything, even the things they don't consciously recognize. Their definition of what is correct and acceptable in a relationship is being formed from day one. As they grow that definition will start to look exactly like the parental relationship they see in their own home.

If you don't want your children to grow up believing that abuse is OK, that's it's acceptable for them to abuse or be abused, then do not be in an abusive relationship. Consider your own relationship very carefully and then think about how you would feel if your own child were in your shoes, or were behaving like your abusive spouse. If you would not be happy with that, then you need to change your circumstances so that your child starts to learn different criteria for relationships.

And if you don't have children, please get into a healthier relationship before you do. Children will absolutely not force your abusive spouse to treat you better. In fact, having a child may make it worse.

Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect. We all teach people how to treat us, and if we tolerate abuse then we've taught our abuser that it's OK. It's possible to stop it, but you have to be willing to end the relationship. You can't make someone treat you right, it's just not possible. Instead you need to get out of the relationship, and figure out why you allowed yourself to be abused so that you don't fall into the same type of relationship next time.

You can get out. Millions of people do it every year, most likely people in much harder situations than you. Please seek help, don't let yourself be abused anymore!

Resources for abused women: http://www.abusedwomen.org/
Resources for abused men: http://www.batteredmen.com/

Take care of yourselves and be safe!
Judi

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Fulfilling desires vs. respect and love

I have recently been involved in a discussion about the balance between fulfilling desires and respect. A gentleman who I'll call Doug was wondering how important women find it to fulfill their man's desires even if they may find the particular activity that he's requesting uncomfortable and/or dirty.

In reality, however, what Doug really wanted to know was why his wife kept saying she would give a specific not-so-ordinary sexual activity a shot and then kept refusing when he asked for it. There were other lets-spice-things-up type things that he didn't give specifics on, that Doug had asked for and was refused. Doug was feeling as though their sex life was not really their sex life, but her's alone, that she held all the power because she did not do every single thing he desired.

What I've tried to explain to Doug is that a sexual relationship has to be based on respect. Doug shows his wife no respect or love when he expects her to do things she is uncomfortable with. He has decided that his desire is more important than her comfort, and I can't seem to convince him how disrespectful and unloving that attitude is.

Instead Doug has essentially stomped his feet like a spoiled child and repeated "but she said she would consider it." He's mad that she won't do what he wants, he believes that giving the idea fair consideration means that she should acquiesce, he feels unfulfilled because she hasn't, and he has implied that her refusal to satisfy his every desire would excuse him if he were to try to fulfill that desire outside of their marriage.

Does this seem loving to any of you? It sure doesn't to me. One of the things I've asked Doug is why he doesn't respect his wife enough to do what she wants to do? I mean, he expects her to love him enough to do what he wants her to do, but at the same time refuses to do the one thing she wants him to do, which is to stop asking for something that she is clearly not comfortable with, as evidenced by her repeated refusals.

Let's take this out of the bedroom for Doug. What if my husband loved sky diving and I was terrified of heights? Would it be respectful and loving of him to constantly request that I go sky diving with him, even after I've repeatedly said I didn't want to, that I didn't feel safe, that it scared me? No, of course not, that would be mean and insensitive. So my husband would go sky diving and I wouldn't and we would both be happy.

Unfortunately, unlike sky diving, I seriously doubt that Doug's wife would be OK with him seeking to fulfill his desires with other women.

Lets face it, sometimes we give up desires to make a commitment to the one we love. I'm sure my husband would have loved to have married a super model, or someone who wanted to share him with her sexy girlfriend, but he gave up those desires when he married me. There are things we both might like to do that the other is not comfortable with, and we gave up those desires when we married. Some people are lucky enough to find someone who wants absolutely everything they do, and therefore they can have their every desire fulfilled, but I think that is pretty rare. Instead I think most of us give up a few desires in return for a loving respectful relationship, and most of us don't have a problem with that. My husband will likely never get to have the threesome that so many men dream of, but he's OK with that because he's got me instead. I will likely never be married to a millionaire, but I'm OK with that because I got Mitch instead.

Besides, what fun are sexual activities that you partner really isn't into? I mean, if Doug's wife gave in, gave him what he wants, she's not going to be into it. They've tried it before and if she liked it she'd probably have tried it again by now, but she's consistently refused, so I have to conclude that she didn't really dig it. So how enjoyable is it really going to be for Doug if his wife is just laying there putting up with it until he's done just to shut him up about it? And then she may resent him for getting so much enjoyment out of something she was so uncomfortable with, treating her like an object who's only purpose is to fulfill her partner's desires. It just sounds like a road to marital disaster to me.

My final advice to Doug is to stop harassing his wife for things she obviously isn't comfortable with. If those things are so important to him that he just can't live without them, then he should respect his wife enough to leave her and go fulfill those desires elsewhere, allowing them both to find partners who's sexual desires are closer to there own so that they can both have fulfilling sexual relationships.

Remember lovelies, you can't have a healthy relationship without respect!

Hugs!
Judi