Thursday, December 4, 2008

I shouldn't have to tell you, you should just know

Hey everybody! I know it's been a while since I wrote, and I'm sorry about that. I just haven't been able to come up with any good topics. Today I stumbled onto one at one of the relationship forums I participate in.

A woman came into the forum wanting to know how to better please her husband. No, not like that! Just little stuff. He's complained that she isn't affectionate enough. He says she doesn't show him enough attention and doesn't touch him as often as he would like. She thought she had improved in those things, but he isn't acknowledging any improvement. So she talked to him and asked him to show her specifically some things she could do that would help him feel appreciated, but he won't. Instead he tells her she should just know.

Here's the problem with that: If she knew she would be doing those things already. She's not doing those things, so obviously she doesn't just know, because that kind of affection doesn't come naturally to her.

My husband has one of those stereotypical tenancies you read about in the relationship help books. If I complain about something he immediately goes into fix it mode and starts throwing out solutions. However, most of the time I don't want solutions, and many times there isn't even anything that can be done. I usually just want to vent a bit and get a hug.

Just listening and then giving me a hug is not my husband's natural reaction to a complaining woman. So he doesn't just know to do that for me. It would be unfair of me to expect him to just know that, because it's not the way he deals with things.

So I try hard to remember when I just need to vent and get a hug to tell him exactly that. Then we all get what we need. I get a to vent and then get a hug, without any of the "Did you try this. You should do that." that I don't want. And my husband gets to fix the real problem (which was never the thing I was complaining about anyway, it was that I was stressed) and everyone is happy!

Don't ever be afraid to tell your partner what you need. "You should just know" is an unfair expectation because your partner is not you. If they were they would already just know and be doing the thing you want them to do.

Hugs!
Judi

2 comments:

Dominique said...

"Don't ever be afraid to tell your partner what you need."

However, I had a partner once who listened very carefully and sympathetically to what I would say then proceed to ignore everything I asked as if I had never said anything. You know, telling someone of your desires and fantasies is sometimes a bit embarrassing. You make yourself emotionally vulnerable. It gradually became such a big deal to tell of embarrassing desires and fantasies that I eventually stopped saying anything at all.

Judi said...

Dominque,

There is always a risk when we open up to someone. Unfortunately, if you don't it's possible to never have your needs met.

I'm sorry that your partner disregarded your needs. I've had partners like that too, and it hurts. I hope that that experience didn't close you off for good though, and that you've been able to find someone you trust to be open with.

-Judi