Who wants some?

My friend Lily is back with another issue she is having some trouble with.

Often I am the one initiating sex, about 90% of the time (my husband disagrees). I actually asked him last night if I didn't initiate sex, how long would we go without having it. He said "maybe a couple of days" I laughed and I said "Well, it's been a couple of days"...and I mentioned that we've gone long amounts of time without it. He said it was because he thought I was too tired for it... I told him I would never be too tired for it. Then we started intermittently kissing and then he started falling asleep so I just thought "fuck it" and went to sleep.

I hate being the initiator... I wouldn't mind if it was 50% of the time, but it seems like 90%. Add that to the problem I WAS having with him looking at porn and that really does a lot of bad shit to a self-esteem. So any advice and wisdom you can impart I would greatly appreciate :)

There are so many things that can cause an imbalance in who's initiating sex. He could have a lower libido than you, which may or may not be a medical issue. He could be uncomfortable initiating for any number of reasons. He could be suffering from some depression because of his current employment situation. There are too many things that could cause this imbalance for me to come close to covering them all.

I have gone through times when my libido is in the dumps and I never initiate. I've been through times when I initiate almost all the time. It's another one of those things that comes and goes. What I've come to realize is that it doesn't really matter who initiates, as long as we are both happy with the frequency of the sex we are having. And let me tell you, letting go of that, no longer worrying about who initiates as long as someone does, makes life a lot easier.

My advice to you would be to let go of it, stop keeping track in your head of when you last had sex and who's been initiating what percentage of the time. If you're horny, go get him. And make sure he knows that if he's horny he should feel free to go for it.

The flip side is that you both need to understand that there are going to be times when it's not going to happen for whatever reason, and that it's not necessarily something you should be hurt by. We all have days when it doesn't matter who's offering, we just aren't in the mood.

Another approach would be to tell him that sometimes you need him to initiate, and ask if it would be OK for you to just tell him that. Say you’re feeling like it’s been too long since he made the effort, and you’re feeling up for it, so you tell him, maybe early in the day, “I think you should try to get some tonight.” That way he knows you’re up for it, so he doesn’t have to worry about being rejected, but it’s him that really makes the effort. However, one important aspect to this scenario is if he’s really not in the mood he would need to tell you that early, so you aren’t spending all day waiting for him to start pushing your buttons just to be hurt at the end of the day because he didn’t. It’s not very spontaneous, but I think sometimes spontaneity is overrated. In real life sometimes you have to be more practical to get what you want.

Try talking about it over dinner or something, when it's not a moment that one of you would be trying to get things going. It's always best to discuss sex at a non-threatening time, so that you can both be completely open without feeling any pressure. My husband and I used to occasionally set aside an entire evening to have a few drinks and talk about sex and it was clearly understood from the outset that having sex was not the goal....not that it never happened on those nights, lol, but there was no pressure.

I also think some of what you are going through is just the growing pains of a new marriage. You two did the long distance thing for so long, and now you are kind of getting to know each other in a way that wasn’t possible before. It might just take time to find your groove. Hell, my husband and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married, and it still took us a number of years to find our groove. In some ways we’re still adjusting to each other. It’s a continuous process, you just have to be open to it and communicate about it.

I hope you two are able to figure this out. It’s one of the most frequently talked about topics on the relationship forums that I participate in.

As for the porn and the boredom, I think you are probably right, that it might have to do with boredom since Rick isn't working. Also I’m sure it’s not the best thing for his ego that he can’t work and contribute financially right now…..I have always been and will always be the bread winner in our home, but it still really gets my husband down when there isn’t a lot of work and he isn’t contributing. And being down about something can cause someone to search for anything to brighten their day, and porn can certainly fill that need.

All in all I wouldn’t be too quick to judge the state of your marriage right now. You've just started really having an in-person relationship, and you are currently living with family. I’d wait until he’s working and you two have your own place and can really figure out your life together. Then hopefully you can find your own groove and really start enjoying married life!

Good luck to you!

Judi

Looking for marriage

Hi
Little introduction. I have completed my MSc intelligent software systems from Blekinge Institute of Technology Sweden. Currently I'm in United Kingdom and working in a British Airways Company as a Audit Executive. I have little plan, in which marriage is also very important for me. We can find many girls or boys in normal routine at different location like pubs clubs, but how can I find true love in my life. Main thing is I really feel shy sometimes, hard to find friendship, but looking for a true and sincere partner. Basically I'm stuck. I need to find a true partner, I have everything in my life but now needs a good female partner who like to spend her life with me as a true friend and marriage partner. I'm 25 years old but for me marriage (find a partner) is becoming a great issue for me. Might be some guys thinks its fake no true, but it's true and honest. Thanks
Masam

Oh, Masam, if only there were some secret formula I could reveal to help you find the true love of your life. Believe me, if anyone had that secret formula they'd be the wealthiest person on the planet!

The best advice I can offer you is to be yourself. The easiest way to have a successful marriage is to be yourself and find someone who loves you exactly as you are, and who you love exactly as they are. This way neither of you are trying to mold the other into the person you want them to be.

Think of it like this: If you want a cheeseburger, don't order a chicken sandwich. You'll never be able to change the chicken sandwich into a cheeseburger, so it will never be what you want, and you will never be fully satisfied with it. If you actually order the cheeseburger then you get exactly what you want without wasting energy trying to change something that can't be changed.

However, this requires the strength to end relationships that don't fit what you want. For example, if you need to stay active, with a full social calendar, Don't marry a homebody. You aren't likely to change eachother, you won't be happy sitting at home every night, she won't be happy going out all the time, and your marriage will eventually fall apart. Instead, if having a full social live is important to you, you need to marry someone who feels the same way.

OK, so that's some good advice on how to not end up in a bad marriage, but you want to know how to find Miss Right. Sorry, I got a bit off track there.

Again, being yourself is critical. It might help to spend time doing the things that you enjoy. This will put you in touch with women who have similar interests. If you enjoy mountain biking, join a mountain biking club. If you like movies, go to the movies a lot. If you enjoy books, spend time in books stores, libraries, join book clubs. Go do the things that you enjoy with other people, and you'll be more likely to meet a woman who also enjoys those things. If religion is important to you, don't just go to church/synagogue/mosque and sit there quietly soaking in the faith, join in activities at your house of worship, get involved in different groups there, so that you can meet other people who place a high value on religion.

And here is one of the most important things: relax. You are not likely to find true love while you are stressing out, constantly evaluating every woman you come in contact with to figure out if she is "the one." Try to relax and let life happen naturally. You sound like you want to get married soon, but you don't want to rush into getting married just to be married. If you really want to find true love you need to be OK with the idea that it might take a while to find it.

But when you do find it, wow, it's so worth the wait!

Hang in there Masam!

Judi

To tell or not to tell

One of my readers wrote in and presented a scenario for discussion. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. ;-)

Sally and her husband, Mike, have a friend, Chris, who has been smoking behind his wife, Jane's, back. Sally doesn't understand how Jane doesn't know, how she doesn't smell it, but according to Mike Chris has smoked up to 7 cigarettes on a short trip to the store just to get a bit of a nicotine fix.

Sally and Mike don't know if they should tell Jane or continue to keep Chris's secret. Sally doesn't want to be made a liar, and is concerned that if a conversation turns to "when Chris used to smoke" that she will be forced to either reveal Chris's secret or lie for him.

Sally also wonders at what point a secret should be revealed, if ever.

I gotta tell ya, Sally, this is a difficult question to answer. There are so many different answers, and they all make sense to me.

I'm a big believer in honesty. But I also believe that some things are just not my business. If I were in your shoes I would tell Chris that you will not lie for him, and that you hope he will man up and be honest with his wife. He has no right to expect you to lie for him, but I probably wouldn't go running to Jane to tell her, that just feels too much like tattling. If she asked me straight up I would be honest and hope that she wasn't mad at me about it.....but even if she was that's her problem not mine. If that were the case I would remind her that it's not my job to keep tabs on her husband and report back to her about it.

I would advise him to tell his wife, to stop lying to her, and to stop putting his friends in a position where they have to choose between lying for him or revealing his secret. It's an unfair position for someone to put their friends in.

As to when it becomes something you should tell about, I really don't know. This is a conversation that goes on almost continuously online, and I'm really on the fence about it. Some people believe that if you see a friend's spouse cheating you should always tell. Some believe you should never tell. Some believe it depends on which person in the couple you are closer to....if you are closer to the cheater, then you keep their secret, but if you are closer to the person being cheated on you should tell them.

In my own life I would hope that if my friends saw my husband having an affair, they would tell me. But I would not be angry at them if they didn't, because I understand that they might not feel as though it's their place.

However, there is also a convincing argument for never telling, and that is that you really don't know what their situation is. Maybe the wife has a really low libido and told her husband he could go find gratification elsewhere.....going to the wife to inform her that her husband is having an affair would only embarrass her and force her to have a conversation with you that she doesn't want to have (because if she did want to she would have already). Maybe they have an open marriage. Or maybe not, but the spouse being cheated on just doesn't really want to know, because knowing means they have to do something about it.

I guess what it really comes down to is that you just never really know what's going on in someone's relationship.....and that makes it damn near impossible to decide whether or not to reveal a secret. I do know that my first step would be to talk to the person doing the supposed bad thing and ask them about it. If you are sure that they are lying to their spouse, encourage them to get honest, and inform them that you will not lie for them.....you might not reveal their secret, but if the person they are lying to asks, you aren't going to sacrifice your own morals for them.

So, readers, what say you? Would you want to know if your spouse was smoking behind your back? Gambling? Sleeping around? Eating apples? Would you tell if you saw a friend doing these things behind their spouses back? Speak up!

Take care!

Judi

The question of porn

Recently my dear friend Lily discovered that her new husband, Rick, was surfing porn, and it upset her a great deal. Here is the gist of the issue:

Basically the specifics are that Rick left his inbox on the desktop and when I went to minimize it, I saw an address for the sex and fun forum. Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at it and was just shocked I guess. The forum offers links to free porn and pictures as well as discusses peoples' favorite porn and porn stars. He actually sent the e-mail to himself from his other e-mail account - I never opened it though...I just noticed it was sent from his other account and it included the name of the site so I checked it out.

I haven't told him I found it because I don't want him to think I was reading his e-mail (I don't do that). But it made me wonder how much he is watching and why and the whole "Am I not enough??" thought constantly went through my mind. Just kinda looked at him differently since a long while ago he eluded to the fact he USED to watch porn.

And here is my response:

In our society we are taught, all of us, that our sexual urges are wrong, dirty, and to be hidden away, especially those urges that aren't of the purest form for our significant other. If we desire anything outside of loving missionary sex with our spouse then we shouldn't tell other people about it. So if a guy is turned on by something other than that, he can't tell anyone about it, he should be ashamed....this makes it a natural reaction to hide it. Porn is generally considered dirty, something to hide and be ashamed of.

I would guess that he hid it because he didn't want to hurt you.

I've had men hide their porn habit from me, and not because I gave any indication that they should, but they'd been programmed by society, their mothers, and every ex-girlfriend to hide anything having to do with their own sexual desires. Eventually I would discover it, and let him know that I really don't care. I consider a person's porn habit a private thing....if he wants to share it with me I'm open to that, frankly I actually enjoy porn (shh, don't tell anyone, lol). But it can take someone a long time to overcome the programming they've been subjected to their whole life and trust that their partner really doesn't mind.

That's how I feel about it in general. Specifically I know it can be a blow to your self esteem. We, as women, are also programmed....we are told to expect that when a man loves us he will think only of us, fantasize only about us, want only us. So when we find out that that isn't true, it hurts. And when he's hiding it from us to boot, that hurts our trust in the relationship. The thing to remember is that his looking at porn doesn't mean he doesn't love, respect, and want you. It just means you aren't the only thing that turns him on. And really, isn't it unrealistic to expect that all the things that turned him on before you came along would simply cease to turn him on after he met you? But being turned on by those things doesn't mean he isn't turned on by you, and it doesn't make them a threat to your relationship with him. Remember, they are just pictures/videos, you actually touch him, love him, interact with him, you are real.

And maybe there are things that do turn him on that he doesn't feel comfortable asking you for because he loves and respects you, and porn is an easy way to fulfill those desires without doing something that disrespects you. I've gone through that before too, things a guy was interested in and didn't want to ask for because he felt they were disrespectful or he was afraid I would think he was a freak. Most of them I had to laugh at, because I didn't find them disrespectful at all and was more than willing to at least try them.

Consider this: if he was really trying to hide it, would he leave such a message in his inbox (as opposed to deleting it or moving it to another folder) and leave his inbox open?

Geez, I really sound like I'm trying to minimize it into nothing.....I know it's not nothing....but frankly I don't think it's as big a deal as a lot of women make it out to be.

Talk to him. Discuss your attitudes about porn, try to come to an understanding....both of you.....of the other person's position.

When you guys are alone, maybe at the end of the day, just sit down with him and say "There's something that's been bugging me and I figured I should talk to you about it before it grows any bigger in my head.....you left your e-mail open the other day, and you know me, I'm not a snoop, but there was an e-mail that worried me so I checked it out....I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done that, but I got scared." Own the fact that you did something you aren't proud of (I know how you feel, I'm the same way) and let him know that you have no intention of becoming "that person" but that it worried you and you'd like to talk about it.

It's not easy, I know, but I've found over the years that I always make things bigger in my head than they are in real life, and I always feel better after talking to my husband about them, because he tells me the truth of it, which is always way less dramariffic than I've made it out to be. It's taken us a long time to get to where we are now, but it's just so much easier being open and honest with each other, then there's no shame, no trying to hide something, and a lot less worry.

Lily expressed that she often has trouble talking about things like this without getting over emotional. So here was my suggestion:

I know it might seem callous on the surface, but e-mail can be a good tool....letter writing in general can be a good way to express what you want to express, have a chance to go over it to make sure you got it all out the way you wanted to, without any emotional outbursts in the middle, and the recipient has to read it all before they get the chance to react....so it's good both for making sure you get your point out without crying, and making sure he "hears" your whole point without interrupting. And it can be a way to discuss sensitive subjects without as much discomfort. I think I would ask him how he feels about that first though, make sure he wouldn't be offended by getting an e-mail like that, but keep it in mind as an option.

A few days later I asked Lily if she and Rick had talked about it yet. Here was her response:

I did indeed talk to Rick last night. I e-mailed him to sort of prepare him that something has been bothering me and we really need to have a serious talk about it. He said that he could tell something was bugging me yet I wouldn't talk about it. So I waited until I was settled in and until after we had dinner but I couldn't formulate the words in my head :-/ So I asked him if I could write it down and let him read it and then we could talk about it and he said that was fine. So I wrote everything down and took your advice on how to put things (which really helped!!) - I told him that he'd left his e-mail up and when I went to minimize it, I glanced and saw that Sex and Fun Forums thing and looked into what it was. I also told him I have never and will never be 'that girl' and then I referred back to when we had talked about the fact we used to watch porn but didn't do it anymore and it really caught me off guard. I mentioned how I really started over-thinking things and that it made me feel like that wasn't why we were having that much sex, etc. I also said that I understand that in general, men watch porn but this made me feel like there was this whole secret life he had that I wasn't or couldn't be a part of and that wasn't cool. I asked if there was anything he'd like me to be doing and I wanted to know what really turned him on. I sort of closed it with "I love you and I want to grow old with you."

It actually went better than I thought it would. He wasn't mad at all and then we started talking about what he'd like (lol more blowjobs...soooo typical :P ) and then he asked me what i'd like and then we starting thinking about ideas to try and spice things up and talked about going to Lover's Lane sometime soon and even looked through The Joy of Sex together. So I guess this really turned into a good thing :) Without your help, I probably would have just let it fester in my head and things might have blown up out of nowhere which would have most likely created massive problems. You are a life saver!!! :D Thank you! :)

I'm so glad Lily and Rick were able to talk to each other. If I've learned anything in 9 years of marriage it's that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Congratulations to Lily and Rick for opening that door, I hope it never closes!

Hugs Darlings!

Judi