Sexual compatibility

In response to my advice to "Jim" I've received an e-mail from "Steve." I'm going to respond to Steve's e-mail one part at a time, because he makes several different points.

Ok here is a question...Why does it always have to be the man who initiates?

First of all Steve, it doesn't. And frankly it's pretty insulting to both men and women to use such stereotypes. It also doesn't help you in your own relationship at all....you are a unique individual, as is your wife. It's much more helpful to treat each other as unique individuals than to try to cram each other into stereotypes.

The wife and I have this issue. I am not afraid to admit..I don't get sex near as much as I would like.....I can also admit it is partially my fault.

The problem comes from trying to initiate and being told no so many times, that I eventually rationalize it like this.....I can either read a book/watch a movie or try and "fight" to get some loving.

Then after we have been told no we start to feel shunned and then that leads to marital problems. I.E. our wives begin to feel unloved because there is the undertone of animosity from us guys.

Men are absolutely NOT the only folks in this boat. I can't tell you how many women show up in the forums I post in wanting to know what's wrong with them because their husband won't even give them a hug let alone have sex with them....some of those women haven't had sex in YEARS, despite all possible efforts including outright begging. So, again, let's try to stay away from the stereotypes, they are often inaccurate and absolutely don't help anyone's unique situation.

No matter their gender, a rejected partner will always have trouble overcoming the rejection. It's natural to stop trying something that just gets us shot down. Unfortunately there's no way to get over that then to just get over it. You have to decide if it's worth the risk.

Yes I understand that love can be shown in other ways...snuggling, hugs, flowers, ect...but guys aren't really wired for all that mushy stuff. Yes we will do it on occasions, but for the most part the way we feel needed and loved and wanted is by how much our women "desire" us.

Again, the stereotypes don't help. Everyone feels more loved when they feel that their significant other desires them, it's not just a guy thing. And there absolutely are some guys who are "wired for all that mushy stuff," as well as millions of women who find all that stuff about as lust inducing as a blade of grass.

Unfortunately what I think a lot of people fail to understand is that everyone is different. The way I need you to act so that I feel loved is probably not the same as you would want me to act so that you feel loved. However, most of the time we show love the way we want it shown to us. So you feel loved and valued when your wife shows you that she desires you by having sex with you.....so to show her love you try to get into her pants.....but that's not how she wants to receive love, she'd much rather you watch the kids in the evening for a couple hours so she could take a bath, and because you never do that for you she doesn't feel loved even if you try to have sex with her every day.

The important thing to do is to talk to your significant other and find out what THEY need to feel loved, and then DO that thing. The flip side is accepting their love when they make the effort to give you love the way you want it....we'll get to that more in a bit.

And this bit about "we're not wired that way" is a cop out. If your wife isn't having sex with you 4 times a week then she isn't "wired" that way either, yet you expect her to put out don't you? It's about loving someone enough to do what THEY need in order to feel loved .

The other thing I wonder is...if we are so darn good in the sack...why don't the women in men's collective lives want it more often? I would think that proficiency in the bedroom would almost guarantee at least 3 to 4 times a week.

And you would be wrong. Look, I love a good cheesecake almost more than my husband (I'm just kidding sweetie), but that doesn't mean I crave it constantly. And it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to eat it every day, no matter how good this one or that one is.

Think about it....does a bad sexual encounter make you desire sex less in general? No? Then why would the opposite be true?

Everyone has a different level of libido. Every once in a while two people get together who's libidos match. But, as there are an infinite number of different levels of libido, that is pretty rare. If you happen to be the higher libido person in your relationship then you have to understand that your ability doesn't have anything to do with it. When my libido was really low it wasn't a matter of how good my husband was in bed....the thought just never entered my mind. It wasn't a need that existed in my body. I guess my hormones were out of whack or something.

But this idea that my libido is somehow linked to anyone else's ability in bed is really really mistaken. And it's time for people to stop doing that, linking a physical, hormonal or simply personality aspect of your significant other to your own ability. If it's truly a libido mismatch, then it's not about you. And if that's the case, then there is no reason for the animosity you talked about earlier.

No man really wants the woman they love to be "just going through the motions"

Understand that it's not always "just going through the motions." If I'm not in the mood, then I'm not in the mood, and repeated attempts by my husband to get me in the mood just feel like harassment. I mean think about how you would feel if there was something your wife wanted to do that you just weren't up for, and she just kept asking over and over.

That doesn't mean that I'm necessarily against giving my husband a hand, if you know what I mean ;) He has to understand that while I may not be into it, I'm willing to do for him because I love him. Sometimes that's just the way it's going to be, because we aren't perfectly matched.

Should the woman seek out medical advice as to how to raise their libido?

Maybe. As I said everyone is different. For me, I knew something was wrong because my libido hadn't been that low before. But now I feel better than ever and my libido is still probably a bit lower than my husband's. Them's the breaks.

Let's even make it easier and say there are only 10 possible libido levels, 0 being never need it, and 10 being need it twice a day. So when you date someone you have a 1/10 chance of ending up with someone who matches up with you exactly. That's still a 90% chance that you won't match up and someone is going to be disappointed.

In reality it's 10,000 times worse than that.

What makes it worse still is that we all change with time. So right now you might be the higher libido partner, but one day that might change and your wife might be writing to me wanting to know why you don't want her anymore!

Are men and women forever doomed to be sexually incompatible?

People in general are doomed to have libido mismatches. That doesn't mean it can't work out or that we can't be happy, it just means that it's not always going to be the easiest thing in the world.

Why should the side that desires their partner constantly have to compromise?

Because the alternative is what you've already said you don't want, going through the motions. Or it's rape, and that certainly doesn't show any level of respect for someone you are supposed to love.

The key to any happy sexual relationship is open communication and understanding. If your wife's libido is lower than yours, then there's probably not much you can do about it unless she truly has a medical problem. More likely you two are just mismatched....and it's important for you to not treat each other as though it's someone's fault. And if she's willing to put out or help you out when she isn't in the mood, then it's important for you to not take that as an insult and understand that it's a gesture of love.

But most importantly stop with the stereotypes. They aren't helping you figure out your own marriage at all.

Thank you Steve for your questions and comments. Please feel free to contact me if you have some follow up you'd like me to post on your behalf.

Take care everyone,
Judi