The question of porn

Recently my dear friend Lily discovered that her new husband, Rick, was surfing porn, and it upset her a great deal. Here is the gist of the issue:

Basically the specifics are that Rick left his inbox on the desktop and when I went to minimize it, I saw an address for the sex and fun forum. Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked at it and was just shocked I guess. The forum offers links to free porn and pictures as well as discusses peoples' favorite porn and porn stars. He actually sent the e-mail to himself from his other e-mail account - I never opened it though...I just noticed it was sent from his other account and it included the name of the site so I checked it out.

I haven't told him I found it because I don't want him to think I was reading his e-mail (I don't do that). But it made me wonder how much he is watching and why and the whole "Am I not enough??" thought constantly went through my mind. Just kinda looked at him differently since a long while ago he eluded to the fact he USED to watch porn.

And here is my response:

In our society we are taught, all of us, that our sexual urges are wrong, dirty, and to be hidden away, especially those urges that aren't of the purest form for our significant other. If we desire anything outside of loving missionary sex with our spouse then we shouldn't tell other people about it. So if a guy is turned on by something other than that, he can't tell anyone about it, he should be ashamed....this makes it a natural reaction to hide it. Porn is generally considered dirty, something to hide and be ashamed of.

I would guess that he hid it because he didn't want to hurt you.

I've had men hide their porn habit from me, and not because I gave any indication that they should, but they'd been programmed by society, their mothers, and every ex-girlfriend to hide anything having to do with their own sexual desires. Eventually I would discover it, and let him know that I really don't care. I consider a person's porn habit a private thing....if he wants to share it with me I'm open to that, frankly I actually enjoy porn (shh, don't tell anyone, lol). But it can take someone a long time to overcome the programming they've been subjected to their whole life and trust that their partner really doesn't mind.

That's how I feel about it in general. Specifically I know it can be a blow to your self esteem. We, as women, are also programmed....we are told to expect that when a man loves us he will think only of us, fantasize only about us, want only us. So when we find out that that isn't true, it hurts. And when he's hiding it from us to boot, that hurts our trust in the relationship. The thing to remember is that his looking at porn doesn't mean he doesn't love, respect, and want you. It just means you aren't the only thing that turns him on. And really, isn't it unrealistic to expect that all the things that turned him on before you came along would simply cease to turn him on after he met you? But being turned on by those things doesn't mean he isn't turned on by you, and it doesn't make them a threat to your relationship with him. Remember, they are just pictures/videos, you actually touch him, love him, interact with him, you are real.

And maybe there are things that do turn him on that he doesn't feel comfortable asking you for because he loves and respects you, and porn is an easy way to fulfill those desires without doing something that disrespects you. I've gone through that before too, things a guy was interested in and didn't want to ask for because he felt they were disrespectful or he was afraid I would think he was a freak. Most of them I had to laugh at, because I didn't find them disrespectful at all and was more than willing to at least try them.

Consider this: if he was really trying to hide it, would he leave such a message in his inbox (as opposed to deleting it or moving it to another folder) and leave his inbox open?

Geez, I really sound like I'm trying to minimize it into nothing.....I know it's not nothing....but frankly I don't think it's as big a deal as a lot of women make it out to be.

Talk to him. Discuss your attitudes about porn, try to come to an understanding....both of you.....of the other person's position.

When you guys are alone, maybe at the end of the day, just sit down with him and say "There's something that's been bugging me and I figured I should talk to you about it before it grows any bigger in my head.....you left your e-mail open the other day, and you know me, I'm not a snoop, but there was an e-mail that worried me so I checked it out....I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done that, but I got scared." Own the fact that you did something you aren't proud of (I know how you feel, I'm the same way) and let him know that you have no intention of becoming "that person" but that it worried you and you'd like to talk about it.

It's not easy, I know, but I've found over the years that I always make things bigger in my head than they are in real life, and I always feel better after talking to my husband about them, because he tells me the truth of it, which is always way less dramariffic than I've made it out to be. It's taken us a long time to get to where we are now, but it's just so much easier being open and honest with each other, then there's no shame, no trying to hide something, and a lot less worry.

Lily expressed that she often has trouble talking about things like this without getting over emotional. So here was my suggestion:

I know it might seem callous on the surface, but e-mail can be a good tool....letter writing in general can be a good way to express what you want to express, have a chance to go over it to make sure you got it all out the way you wanted to, without any emotional outbursts in the middle, and the recipient has to read it all before they get the chance to react....so it's good both for making sure you get your point out without crying, and making sure he "hears" your whole point without interrupting. And it can be a way to discuss sensitive subjects without as much discomfort. I think I would ask him how he feels about that first though, make sure he wouldn't be offended by getting an e-mail like that, but keep it in mind as an option.

A few days later I asked Lily if she and Rick had talked about it yet. Here was her response:

I did indeed talk to Rick last night. I e-mailed him to sort of prepare him that something has been bothering me and we really need to have a serious talk about it. He said that he could tell something was bugging me yet I wouldn't talk about it. So I waited until I was settled in and until after we had dinner but I couldn't formulate the words in my head :-/ So I asked him if I could write it down and let him read it and then we could talk about it and he said that was fine. So I wrote everything down and took your advice on how to put things (which really helped!!) - I told him that he'd left his e-mail up and when I went to minimize it, I glanced and saw that Sex and Fun Forums thing and looked into what it was. I also told him I have never and will never be 'that girl' and then I referred back to when we had talked about the fact we used to watch porn but didn't do it anymore and it really caught me off guard. I mentioned how I really started over-thinking things and that it made me feel like that wasn't why we were having that much sex, etc. I also said that I understand that in general, men watch porn but this made me feel like there was this whole secret life he had that I wasn't or couldn't be a part of and that wasn't cool. I asked if there was anything he'd like me to be doing and I wanted to know what really turned him on. I sort of closed it with "I love you and I want to grow old with you."

It actually went better than I thought it would. He wasn't mad at all and then we started talking about what he'd like (lol more blowjobs...soooo typical :P ) and then he asked me what i'd like and then we starting thinking about ideas to try and spice things up and talked about going to Lover's Lane sometime soon and even looked through The Joy of Sex together. So I guess this really turned into a good thing :) Without your help, I probably would have just let it fester in my head and things might have blown up out of nowhere which would have most likely created massive problems. You are a life saver!!! :D Thank you! :)

I'm so glad Lily and Rick were able to talk to each other. If I've learned anything in 9 years of marriage it's that communication is the key to a happy relationship. Congratulations to Lily and Rick for opening that door, I hope it never closes!

Hugs Darlings!

Judi