Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Abusive relationships

On the relationship forums that I participate in we get a lot of people coming in wondering if they should end their abusive relationship. They give us tales of verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, certainly a lack of anything resembling loving behavior, and wonder if they can make their partner treat them better. They make excuses for why they can't leave.....they don't have any money, he/she would be destroyed, they don't want their kids to lose access to their "great father" or "great mother," he/she used to be great.....and most of all, "I still love him/her."

I'd like to discuss some of these excuses, as well as some others I've read, and why they are not a valid excuse for staying, especially if you have children.

  1. He/she used to be great - OK, that's fantastic, really, but all that proves is that you weren't stupid enough to fall in love with an asshole. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate him/her acting like an asshole now and for the rest of your life. You can't make him/her be the person you fell in love with, that's in the past. You can only deal with now.
  2. He/She would be destroyed/Our families would be devastated - Umm, no, they won't. Everyone will live. You parents will survive, his/her parents will survive, the kids will survive, you and he/she will survive. But consider this - if you stay in an abusive relationship and it turns physically abusive, how devastated will your parents and children be at your funeral?
  3. I have no money - If you are in physical danger, get out anyway, there are shelters you can go to. If you are not in physical danger, then start planning your escape. Start setting aside money, get your own bank account, start gathering copies of records, speak to an attorney if you are married and/or have shared assets. There's nothing wrong with taking your time in leaving. Just be careful....the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when they are planning their escape and just after they've left.
  4. I don't want my kids to lose their great dad/mom - OK, first of all, as long as their dad/mom is still alive, they don't have to lose them. Second, how great a parent are they really if they are treating their child's other parent like garbage? How great a parent are they if they treat their child's other parent like a punching bag?
Here I'd like to stop and make a special point about children. Children are born with absolutely no knowledge of what a marriage/romantic relationship is supposed to be like. They start learning very early. They learn from the adults in their home first, usually their parents. If dad abuses mom boys learn it's OK to abuse and girls learn it's OK to tolerate abuse. If mom abuses dad boys learn it's OK to tolerate abuse and girls learn it's OK to abuse.

Make no mistake, your children are watching you. They are little sponges and they absorb everything, even the things they don't consciously recognize. Their definition of what is correct and acceptable in a relationship is being formed from day one. As they grow that definition will start to look exactly like the parental relationship they see in their own home.

If you don't want your children to grow up believing that abuse is OK, that's it's acceptable for them to abuse or be abused, then do not be in an abusive relationship. Consider your own relationship very carefully and then think about how you would feel if your own child were in your shoes, or were behaving like your abusive spouse. If you would not be happy with that, then you need to change your circumstances so that your child starts to learn different criteria for relationships.

And if you don't have children, please get into a healthier relationship before you do. Children will absolutely not force your abusive spouse to treat you better. In fact, having a child may make it worse.

Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect. We all teach people how to treat us, and if we tolerate abuse then we've taught our abuser that it's OK. It's possible to stop it, but you have to be willing to end the relationship. You can't make someone treat you right, it's just not possible. Instead you need to get out of the relationship, and figure out why you allowed yourself to be abused so that you don't fall into the same type of relationship next time.

You can get out. Millions of people do it every year, most likely people in much harder situations than you. Please seek help, don't let yourself be abused anymore!

Resources for abused women: http://www.abusedwomen.org/
Resources for abused men: http://www.batteredmen.com/

Take care of yourselves and be safe!
Judi

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