A woman came into the forums I post in complaining that her boyfriend of 4 months didn't want sex nearly as much as she did, and any time she brought it up he got upset. In every other way he was perfect. She wanted to know what to do, whether she should just get over it and deal with less sex than she wanted because he was so great in every other way, whether he should see a doctor because his sex drive was so much lower than hers, whether she should leave him.
Here are the facts:
- She wants sex more than he does
- He doesn't want to discuss the fact that she wants sex more than he does
- In every other way he's perfect
- She does not want to live the rest of her life with less than enough sex.
- She can stay and learn to be happy about it
- She can stay and be miserable about it and probably make him miserable too
- She can cheat on him and risk losing the relationship altogether, never mind sacrificing her own values
- She can negotiate an open relationship, if he's game
- She can move on.
The reason most people date is to find out if the person they are dating is someone they can and want to spend a much longer period of time with. This woman in particular is trying to decide if her boyfriend is someone she wants to marry and spend the rest of her life with. Dating is part of our selection process. Even earlier in the selection process we decide, sometimes subconsciously, if we are at all interested in someone, interested enough to even go on a date with them. We are constantly evaluating people based on ever changing criteria to see if they are a good fit to share our lives with.
If, during the dating period, we find that there is something about a person that we do not want to live with for the rest of our lives, then we need to have the strength to admit that and end the relationship. Not doing so generally ends in an unhappy marriage and, sometimes, divorce.
This is just part of the selection process. To go through all of that and then say "Well, I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life, but I've already invested however many months, I don't want those to have been a waste, and I like all these other things about this person" negates the whole process. So then what if you stay and it never changes, and then you find you've "wasted" 10 years?
Let's face it, you can't change people. If he's happy with sex twice a month it's not likely that you'll coerce him into having it 8 times a month. So it's time to have the self respect to say "I'm not willing to sacrifice a satisfying sex life for these other wonderful things, I need to move on."
It's much easier to have a happy marriage if you use the selection process beforehand to find someone who fulfills you in every way that you feel is necessary. Otherwise what's the point?
Love Yourselves!
Judi
2 comments:
I certainly agree one should try to find out everything about one's partner before doing anything serious, much less joining a partner in marriage or in an exclusive relationship. However, some people are masters of concealment and deception and of self-deception, too, so that they are unable, even to themselves, to be open and honest about their sexual lives. This is the case, and so you find people complaining that they have suddenly discovered a sexually indifferent or boring partner only after months or years of being together. I have had several disastrous long-term relationships that gradually became frustrating and stifling because of this self-delusion with regard to sex and other needs on both our parts.
People sometimes do change. That's always a risk you take when you enter into a relationship with someone. Sometimes it's not that they aren't being honest with you or with themselves, but that they honestly change. I know my needs and desires have waxed and waned, some things I used to love are no longer a big part of my sex life, some things I never ever thought I'd enjoy are becoming part of every sexual encounter we have.
I'm sorry that those changes have been negative in your relationships. I hope that you can find someone to change and grow with!
Judi
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