To tell or not to tell

One of my readers wrote in and presented a scenario for discussion. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. ;-)

Sally and her husband, Mike, have a friend, Chris, who has been smoking behind his wife, Jane's, back. Sally doesn't understand how Jane doesn't know, how she doesn't smell it, but according to Mike Chris has smoked up to 7 cigarettes on a short trip to the store just to get a bit of a nicotine fix.

Sally and Mike don't know if they should tell Jane or continue to keep Chris's secret. Sally doesn't want to be made a liar, and is concerned that if a conversation turns to "when Chris used to smoke" that she will be forced to either reveal Chris's secret or lie for him.

Sally also wonders at what point a secret should be revealed, if ever.

I gotta tell ya, Sally, this is a difficult question to answer. There are so many different answers, and they all make sense to me.

I'm a big believer in honesty. But I also believe that some things are just not my business. If I were in your shoes I would tell Chris that you will not lie for him, and that you hope he will man up and be honest with his wife. He has no right to expect you to lie for him, but I probably wouldn't go running to Jane to tell her, that just feels too much like tattling. If she asked me straight up I would be honest and hope that she wasn't mad at me about it.....but even if she was that's her problem not mine. If that were the case I would remind her that it's not my job to keep tabs on her husband and report back to her about it.

I would advise him to tell his wife, to stop lying to her, and to stop putting his friends in a position where they have to choose between lying for him or revealing his secret. It's an unfair position for someone to put their friends in.

As to when it becomes something you should tell about, I really don't know. This is a conversation that goes on almost continuously online, and I'm really on the fence about it. Some people believe that if you see a friend's spouse cheating you should always tell. Some believe you should never tell. Some believe it depends on which person in the couple you are closer to....if you are closer to the cheater, then you keep their secret, but if you are closer to the person being cheated on you should tell them.

In my own life I would hope that if my friends saw my husband having an affair, they would tell me. But I would not be angry at them if they didn't, because I understand that they might not feel as though it's their place.

However, there is also a convincing argument for never telling, and that is that you really don't know what their situation is. Maybe the wife has a really low libido and told her husband he could go find gratification elsewhere.....going to the wife to inform her that her husband is having an affair would only embarrass her and force her to have a conversation with you that she doesn't want to have (because if she did want to she would have already). Maybe they have an open marriage. Or maybe not, but the spouse being cheated on just doesn't really want to know, because knowing means they have to do something about it.

I guess what it really comes down to is that you just never really know what's going on in someone's relationship.....and that makes it damn near impossible to decide whether or not to reveal a secret. I do know that my first step would be to talk to the person doing the supposed bad thing and ask them about it. If you are sure that they are lying to their spouse, encourage them to get honest, and inform them that you will not lie for them.....you might not reveal their secret, but if the person they are lying to asks, you aren't going to sacrifice your own morals for them.

So, readers, what say you? Would you want to know if your spouse was smoking behind your back? Gambling? Sleeping around? Eating apples? Would you tell if you saw a friend doing these things behind their spouses back? Speak up!

Take care!

Judi