Who wants some?

My friend Lily is back with another issue she is having some trouble with.

Often I am the one initiating sex, about 90% of the time (my husband disagrees). I actually asked him last night if I didn't initiate sex, how long would we go without having it. He said "maybe a couple of days" I laughed and I said "Well, it's been a couple of days"...and I mentioned that we've gone long amounts of time without it. He said it was because he thought I was too tired for it... I told him I would never be too tired for it. Then we started intermittently kissing and then he started falling asleep so I just thought "fuck it" and went to sleep.

I hate being the initiator... I wouldn't mind if it was 50% of the time, but it seems like 90%. Add that to the problem I WAS having with him looking at porn and that really does a lot of bad shit to a self-esteem. So any advice and wisdom you can impart I would greatly appreciate :)

There are so many things that can cause an imbalance in who's initiating sex. He could have a lower libido than you, which may or may not be a medical issue. He could be uncomfortable initiating for any number of reasons. He could be suffering from some depression because of his current employment situation. There are too many things that could cause this imbalance for me to come close to covering them all.

I have gone through times when my libido is in the dumps and I never initiate. I've been through times when I initiate almost all the time. It's another one of those things that comes and goes. What I've come to realize is that it doesn't really matter who initiates, as long as we are both happy with the frequency of the sex we are having. And let me tell you, letting go of that, no longer worrying about who initiates as long as someone does, makes life a lot easier.

My advice to you would be to let go of it, stop keeping track in your head of when you last had sex and who's been initiating what percentage of the time. If you're horny, go get him. And make sure he knows that if he's horny he should feel free to go for it.

The flip side is that you both need to understand that there are going to be times when it's not going to happen for whatever reason, and that it's not necessarily something you should be hurt by. We all have days when it doesn't matter who's offering, we just aren't in the mood.

Another approach would be to tell him that sometimes you need him to initiate, and ask if it would be OK for you to just tell him that. Say you’re feeling like it’s been too long since he made the effort, and you’re feeling up for it, so you tell him, maybe early in the day, “I think you should try to get some tonight.” That way he knows you’re up for it, so he doesn’t have to worry about being rejected, but it’s him that really makes the effort. However, one important aspect to this scenario is if he’s really not in the mood he would need to tell you that early, so you aren’t spending all day waiting for him to start pushing your buttons just to be hurt at the end of the day because he didn’t. It’s not very spontaneous, but I think sometimes spontaneity is overrated. In real life sometimes you have to be more practical to get what you want.

Try talking about it over dinner or something, when it's not a moment that one of you would be trying to get things going. It's always best to discuss sex at a non-threatening time, so that you can both be completely open without feeling any pressure. My husband and I used to occasionally set aside an entire evening to have a few drinks and talk about sex and it was clearly understood from the outset that having sex was not the goal....not that it never happened on those nights, lol, but there was no pressure.

I also think some of what you are going through is just the growing pains of a new marriage. You two did the long distance thing for so long, and now you are kind of getting to know each other in a way that wasn’t possible before. It might just take time to find your groove. Hell, my husband and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married, and it still took us a number of years to find our groove. In some ways we’re still adjusting to each other. It’s a continuous process, you just have to be open to it and communicate about it.

I hope you two are able to figure this out. It’s one of the most frequently talked about topics on the relationship forums that I participate in.

As for the porn and the boredom, I think you are probably right, that it might have to do with boredom since Rick isn't working. Also I’m sure it’s not the best thing for his ego that he can’t work and contribute financially right now…..I have always been and will always be the bread winner in our home, but it still really gets my husband down when there isn’t a lot of work and he isn’t contributing. And being down about something can cause someone to search for anything to brighten their day, and porn can certainly fill that need.

All in all I wouldn’t be too quick to judge the state of your marriage right now. You've just started really having an in-person relationship, and you are currently living with family. I’d wait until he’s working and you two have your own place and can really figure out your life together. Then hopefully you can find your own groove and really start enjoying married life!

Good luck to you!

Judi