I have recently been involved in a discussion about the balance between fulfilling desires and respect. A gentleman who I'll call Doug was wondering how important women find it to fulfill their man's desires even if they may find the particular activity that he's requesting uncomfortable and/or dirty.
In reality, however, what Doug really wanted to know was why his wife kept saying she would give a specific not-so-ordinary sexual activity a shot and then kept refusing when he asked for it. There were other lets-spice-things-up type things that he didn't give specifics on, that Doug had asked for and was refused. Doug was feeling as though their sex life was not really their sex life, but her's alone, that she held all the power because she did not do every single thing he desired.
What I've tried to explain to Doug is that a sexual relationship has to be based on respect. Doug shows his wife no respect or love when he expects her to do things she is uncomfortable with. He has decided that his desire is more important than her comfort, and I can't seem to convince him how disrespectful and unloving that attitude is.
Instead Doug has essentially stomped his feet like a spoiled child and repeated "but she said she would consider it." He's mad that she won't do what he wants, he believes that giving the idea fair consideration means that she should acquiesce, he feels unfulfilled because she hasn't, and he has implied that her refusal to satisfy his every desire would excuse him if he were to try to fulfill that desire outside of their marriage.
Does this seem loving to any of you? It sure doesn't to me. One of the things I've asked Doug is why he doesn't respect his wife enough to do what she wants to do? I mean, he expects her to love him enough to do what he wants her to do, but at the same time refuses to do the one thing she wants him to do, which is to stop asking for something that she is clearly not comfortable with, as evidenced by her repeated refusals.
Let's take this out of the bedroom for Doug. What if my husband loved sky diving and I was terrified of heights? Would it be respectful and loving of him to constantly request that I go sky diving with him, even after I've repeatedly said I didn't want to, that I didn't feel safe, that it scared me? No, of course not, that would be mean and insensitive. So my husband would go sky diving and I wouldn't and we would both be happy.
Unfortunately, unlike sky diving, I seriously doubt that Doug's wife would be OK with him seeking to fulfill his desires with other women.
Lets face it, sometimes we give up desires to make a commitment to the one we love. I'm sure my husband would have loved to have married a super model, or someone who wanted to share him with her sexy girlfriend, but he gave up those desires when he married me. There are things we both might like to do that the other is not comfortable with, and we gave up those desires when we married. Some people are lucky enough to find someone who wants absolutely everything they do, and therefore they can have their every desire fulfilled, but I think that is pretty rare. Instead I think most of us give up a few desires in return for a loving respectful relationship, and most of us don't have a problem with that. My husband will likely never get to have the threesome that so many men dream of, but he's OK with that because he's got me instead. I will likely never be married to a millionaire, but I'm OK with that because I got Mitch instead.
Besides, what fun are sexual activities that you partner really isn't into? I mean, if Doug's wife gave in, gave him what he wants, she's not going to be into it. They've tried it before and if she liked it she'd probably have tried it again by now, but she's consistently refused, so I have to conclude that she didn't really dig it. So how enjoyable is it really going to be for Doug if his wife is just laying there putting up with it until he's done just to shut him up about it? And then she may resent him for getting so much enjoyment out of something she was so uncomfortable with, treating her like an object who's only purpose is to fulfill her partner's desires. It just sounds like a road to marital disaster to me.
My final advice to Doug is to stop harassing his wife for things she obviously isn't comfortable with. If those things are so important to him that he just can't live without them, then he should respect his wife enough to leave her and go fulfill those desires elsewhere, allowing them both to find partners who's sexual desires are closer to there own so that they can both have fulfilling sexual relationships.
Remember lovelies, you can't have a healthy relationship without respect!
Hugs!
Judi
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Fulfilling desires vs. respect and love
Posted by Judi at 10:09 AM
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6 comments:
Man, Judi! You are always so spot on! :) :) I really enjoy reading! Looking forward to the next entry.
Thank you! I wish I had an update, but Doug hasn't been back to let us all know how he's feeling about. He had said Friday he would think about it over the weekend and then didn't come back!
Sounds to me like Doug is putting "impossible" expectations on his wife as a ready made excuse to cheat. "Impossible" meaning that he already knows she's not going to do it, so he harps on that one thing or things. I've found that when someone says "if you won't give it to me, I'll get it elsewhere," they are either already planning to ANYWAY or they already are. They are just looking for a way to say "I TOLD you what would happen if you didn't, so this is your fault!"w
I agree Sweetie, and I believe I told him that. He never did come back to fill us in, so I have no idea how things went in his life.
I need to get back to this column, it's been way too long!
Thanks for your comment!
Well, Judi and the other commenters here, I think you may be only half-right. Do you know exactly what the desires were that he asked his wife to fulfill? You only say they were "not so ordinary." If he had only told you, we might have learned exactly what his wife was refusing and could have judged on a firmer basis if Doug's were so far out of line and unconventional as to be showing "disrespect" for his wife. What if his desire was simply to be kissed behind his ears or to give or receive oral while having a pillow over his head? Or to have her to keep her eyes open or to make love with the lights on? Would it have been showing disrespect for her then?
Dominique,
I left out specifically what Doug wanted from his wife because I believe it's irrelevant. If it's something she's uncomfortable with, for whatever reason, then I feel it's unloving for him to insist that she do it anyway. I think it's disrespectful for him to expect "I'll consider it" to mean "I'll do it." And if it's something he needs badly enough and she's unwilling, then he needs to find someone else to do it with, preferably after leaving his wife or getting her permission.
What if it was just kisses behind the ear? What if she had been molested as a child and her molester kissed her behind the ear? What if he just wanted to have sex with the lights on? What if she had severe self image issues? My point is that it doesn't matter how simple it seems to anyone else, if it's something she is not comfortable with then the loving thing for Doug to do is to drop it or help her work through whatever underlying problem is preventing her from doing it. But to just stomp his feet and say "She said she would consider it!" and get mad because she won't do it is unfair and unloving and disrespectful.
What Doug wanted was anal sex. They had tried it before, and she had said she would consider it again, but every time he approached her about it she turned him down. He was angry that "I'll consider it" never morphed into "let's do it." And he said things that indicated that if she didn't give it to him it was a strong enough desire in him that he would feel justified in finding it somewhere else.
She was concerned that it would be painful and unclean, and he didn't care, he wanted to do it anyway. He wanted us on the forum to tell him how to convince his wife to do it anyway. Most of us felt that it was unfair of him to continuously hound her for something she obviously didn't want to try again.
-Judi
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